by Badness Jones (and I apologize in advance for this post)
I’ve had a bad week. I’ve been doing a lot of bingeing and emotional eating. One day I made and ate an entire batch of butter tarts (they’re a Canadian thing, kind of like individual pecan pies without the pecans). I haven’t wanted to get dressed or brush my hair or put on make-up. I haven’t been making the beds. (This isn’t really the forum for me to talk about it, but the friend of a friend lost her infant son, a boy not that much younger than mine, and it’s hit me very close to home….I seem to have lost my equilibrium….I doubt that this post will make much sense….sorry)
I find that for me, succeeding at the diet thing means keeping up with everything in my life – it’s got a domino effect. It’s about control. I feel better if my hair is washed, my make-up done, my clothes look pretty. If I make the bed and do the dishes, it’s easier to keep the rest of the house clean. If I feel good and the house is clean, I’m less likely to panic and eat a tub of ice-cream.
Today is the first day of summer holidays for my daughter. I don’t want to do anything but sit in front of the tv, but I can’t start off like that. I made myself get dressed and put on make-up. I made the beds. I did the dishes. We’re going to go to the store in a few minutes and pick out a pretty scrapbook for Regan to chronicle her summer, and keep practising her letters. Maybe she’ll be reading by the time she starts SK in the fall. In the afternoon I’ll take them to the park or the pool, anything to get out of the house. I’m going to start writing down everything I eat again too- I’m terrified of the way I’ve lost control. I don’t want to put the weight back on. And yet I feel guilty for even caring about something as vain and superficial as my figure while someone else is mourning her child. But getting fat again isn’t going to bring him back. How do you manage your worst emotions?