In Which I Come Crawling Back. AGAIN.

By Sue:

Jen emailed me a few days ago to find out if I remembered that this little weight loss blog we started still existed.  Which – well – yes.  And I’ve thought about posting or visiting.  Sort of.  But kind of in that way where a friend wants you to come visit, and you’d like to see her, but not really, because the friend just lost a ton of weight, and you on the other hand GAINED weight, and you know when you get together she’ll be all fabulous, and you’ll be all toad-like, but your friend will still feel compelled to say, OH, NO, you look GREAT, and you’ll both know she is lying, and it’ll all just be very awkward and depressing.

Part of me said, you know, if I just never, never, NEVER look at the blog, that will mean that it does not exist.  Because I control the universe with my MIND. 

It was all working out very well for me until Jen emailed me the other day and said something along the lines of, “Sue, you know how you haven’t posted here in approximately seven thousand years?  Should I assume that means you don’t want to be involved?”  (Except she said it diplomatically and supportively, as she tends to do.) 

I emailed her back, all, “Um, I am trying to deny the existence of that blog, because totally skinny people do not need to participate in weight loss blogs, and you are seriously killing my Denial Kool-Aid buzz, so, HELLO, cooperation please.”  Well.  I said something like that anyway.  Only with more groveling.

Really though.  I need to get back on the wagon.  I’ve been thinking about it for weeks now.   I’m so out of control in terms of my eating and lack of exercise.  It doesn’t feel good.  Earlier this week the capris I was wearing (my FAT capris even) ripped open in the back.  Luckily, I was in the middle of my family room at the time, with only my two pre-schoolers around to point and laugh.  When it happened I immediately started thinking of ways I could make it funny on my blog.  

Except it didn’t feel funny.  It felt like the last straw.

Two years ago I lost 45 pounds.  I still needed to lose another 40 or so, but I felt comfortable and healthy.  The pictures up at the top of my regular blog were taken right about then, and you can kind of see what I’m talking about – I was still very chubby, but I felt good.   I was at a comfortable level of fat for me – wearing “normal” sizes from “normal” stores, with only one extra chin.  I wasn’t about to wear shorts, but I had days when I felt pretty cute.  I was in that place where you know you have more weight to lose, but it wasn’t this daily, depressing, not wanting to look in the mirror THING.

I managed to maintain the loss for over a year.  Until we lost our business and found ourselves careening toward financial diseaster, and I rediscovered the joy of serious binge eating.   I was so stressed out.  I felt entitled to eat, entitled to comfort myself with food, even as I watched the number on the scale creep upward. 

(Big sigh.)

Poo.

I’ve gained back 25 of those pounds.  (Whispering: And I feel gross.)     

If you read my blog, you know we just moved.   It took two loads of hauling stuff from one state to the other, over two different weekends, and unfortunately we had to go about a week-a-half without our washer and dryer.  Once they were safely back in my laundry room, I had to do (seriously) something like 17 or 18 loads of laundry.  The physical exertion of sorting, carrying, folding, and putting away, with repeated bending over and standing up and sitting down and all of those things was so taxing that I STRAINED A MUSCLE in my calf.  From DOING LAUNDRY.

Ahem.  Let me repeat that.  I’m so out of shape that I got a sports injury from doing laundry

EGADS. 

I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin right now.  I don’t feel healthy.  I don’t feel attractive.  I don’t feel in control of my eating.  It needs to stop, and as it turns out, I’m fresh out of excuses for putting it off.

I’m thinking today would be a really good day to start.

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25 responses to “In Which I Come Crawling Back. AGAIN.

  1. Sue, I understand EXACTLY how you feel. But, know you’re ready to make some positive changes and, you’re such a force of nature, that I KNOW you’ll be successful.

  2. Haven’t we all been there? Lately, I last about two weeks, but I do keep coming back to give me courage to start again.

    That’s what we’re here for, support and acceptance and encouragement.

  3. You can only do this journey when you are ready to do it… you are brave, you are strong, you are Sue.

  4. Wow. thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one.

  5. Yay Sue! I ignored The Fluffy blog too. NO more, we need to do this.

    Especially because I’m coming to see you in September and we need to be skinnier when we meet. Ok?

  6. I discovered your other blog a few weeks ago, Sue, and devoured every word. You have a fantastic sense of humor and a breezy, entertaining writing style.
    I hope you feel at home soon in LV and in your own skin!

  7. Sue, have you been reading my diary? I’m pretty sure I wrote something very similar today! I need to jump on the band wagon as well! Good luck!

  8. Thats how I feel. Even my fat clothes don’t fit me anymore! Hello!?!
    Only my preschooler has been telling me constantly– like daily– “Mom. You’re too fat. You need to get a diet.”
    Ugh.
    How does she know this word?? and further, why would she use that word on me??
    I get on that proverbial bandwagon only to fall off it with my DAILY intake of a years supply of candy and soda.
    Sigh.
    I will hop on your bandwagon if you join mine!

  9. Well, on the Internet, no one knows you’re fat. Unless you’re dumb enough to tell them.

    Oh, dear – I just called you dumb. So now you’re dumb and fat. Maybe I’m not really good at cheering people up.

  10. Laundry’s a bi*ch.

  11. SC – Ha! You really should consider a career as a counselor.

    Nicki – Woo-hoo!

    Holly – Thank you so much – that made my day.

    Heather – bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha

  12. Suburbancorrespondent you are HILARIOUS. And so is Sue. And beautiful, too. Really. Sue, your writing shows what’s going on in the inside, where it counts. I’m not a commenter on your regular blog, but I read it (mostly) regularly. (I try not to let blog-reading take over my life.)(I’ve got these pesky kids, see.)

  13. Yay Sue! So, you gonna be in our little contest?

  14. I had every intention of being back at 130 in time for my 30th birthday TOMORROW, however, instead of losing 12lbs, I gained 5lbs and the capris from last summer (which JUST BARELY fit) will probably rip out the back if I attempt them, so I feel your “pain” on this one. Food really aughtta stop tasting so good because it would be much easier to avoid eating it! HA!

    That said, you lost hte weight once, you can do it again, and look at you with a whole support time behind you on this site. GO GIRL!

  15. So Sue, you control the universe with your mind?
    Is that where your daughter gets her “waking people up with her mind” powers?
    I’ve been waiting for the weather to get warm around here so I could start wearing my fat capris again, because my fat winter pants are getting too worn out.

    But it just keeps snowing!

    I think I’ll come back to FTF also.

    Jill

  16. Thanks for the buzz-kill.

    No, I mean, thanks for reminding me that I need to get my (fat) butt in gear and get some of this weight off before someone notices that I am breathing hard from making coffee. Man, I hate that. Would have been so very much for me to have been born with one of those metabolisms where people keep saying, “You’re so THIN! Pleas eat another piece of pie!”

    I mean, would it?

  17. Welcome back we missed you!

  18. Oh yeah. I’m there too. I’ve been doing well for the last week or so, and then today was a day for binge eating. Sigh.

  19. My BFF says that the Thermo Care hot packs do wonders for the nasty laundry induced injuries! I find that a pan of brownies also does the trick:)

    Obviously, I am not doing a good job of eating healthy…..

  20. Hey Sue,
    I know just how you feel as well. However, I’m in denial. In fact, I’m sure I have a clothes drier with a vicious sense of humor – it keeps shrinking my clothes!

  21. Gah! I just spent a week on holiday with my mom and it sent me into a spiral of binge eating. I’ve only gained back a couple of pounds (so far) but I’ve lost my momentum. Today is a good day to start turning things back around for me too. YOu can do it. And I will too.

  22. best of luck and if you did it once, I am sure you can do it again!

  23. I need to get on that wagon too. I have my 20th highschool reunion this summer and have been trying soooo hard. I am not suceeding like I did 3 years ago when I lost 60 lbs. I am starving to death right at this moment. So I am going to play along.

  24. Sue, you are very funny, even about serious-cry-your-eyes-out topics.

    K. I’m back on the bandwagon.

  25. Been there my sister! And let me say… while I love a good binge, we all know it’s so not worth it when you have to squeeze into a bathing suit or run into to someone you haven’t seen in ages… The awesome thing for you is that you KNOW how to lose weight! You’ve already done it!

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