The snow has ruined my day. It’s March, so why is it still snowing, anyway? Why do I have to be stuck in this house with my kids, instead of getting out and doing the things I want to do? I am tired, and bitchy, and angry, and resentful, and bored and I don’t know….all I know is that I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be alone with my kids, and they probably wish they weren’t with me either.
My daughter’s dance class was cancelled this morning due to the snow, so to use up some of the very long day until their daddy comes home we mixed up a carrot cake. For some reason it didn’t set properly and I just dumped the whole damn thing in the garbage. I made a healthy breakfast. Didn’t snack all morning. Made a healthy lunch. But I didn’t feel satisfied. So I ate a (homemade and low-fat) banana muffin. Still didn’t feel satisfied. I had a chocolate bar in the cupboard that I bought from my daughter’s school’s fundraising campaign (angry about that, too – she’s only in pre-K!). Ate 2 squares. They didn’t even taste good. So I about a small handful of dark chocolate chips. That didn’t make me happy either.
I feel gross, and angry with myself for eating crap I didn’t even want, even though I probably haven’t consumed enough calories yet today to do any damage. But if I can’t cheer myself up with food anymore, what am I going to do? I can’t go for a walk right now. I can’t take a bath, can’t read a book, can’t watch tv….all I can do is chase the baby around and take care of all these other people’s needs. I really love my family, and I know that I’m lucky to be able to stay home with my kids….but….but….sometimes I just want to escape from all of it. From all of them.
This post doesn’t have a point. I just needed to leave my kids in the other room and clear my head and breathe. Sigh. But now the baby is crying and I have to go be the mommy again. No wonder it’s hard to lose weight…I’m so far down the list….