I have tried to write this post several times, and I cannot seem to put into words the duality to my purpose and goals in life right now.  Mostly because I’m not sure how I feel about them, as they are two goals quite at odds with each other.  And then really, they are intertwined the way that real life always is.

Goal #!: Lose weight and get fit.

Goal #2: Get pregnant.

I have three young children right now.  Birdie will be six in February, LaLa will turn four a week later, and Pearl just turned two last month.  Three kids that keep me extended pretty much to my full reach.  And yet there is one more.  I have felt very strongly that there is one more child to come since before Pearl was born, and so in January of this year we went off of birth control.

I toyed with the idea of getting serious about losing weight before this last pregnancy, but I figured why bother?  I don’t really have time to put this off, I will be thirty-nine this coming June.  Why should I break my neck trying to lose weight when I’d just get pregs and pack it all back on again?  I decided I’d wait and lose weight after this last baby.

But then I didn’t get pregnant.  And then I got pnuemonia, and then the entire month of May happened.  And then the summer came and went; still no pregnancy.

When I paid for my first ten weeks of Weight Watchers in September, I knew that I’d lose a pound or two and then put the rest of the weeks in hibernation because I’d be pregnant. But then I paid for the next ten weeks, and I was getting pretty excited because I’d lost enough weight that I wouldn’t necessarily cross the three hundred pound mark with this last pregnancy.

But I am still not pregnant.

Every cycle I am bitterly disappointed with the one blue line.  But then I am also elated, because sisters… I am on a roll.  But then I am deeply disappointed.  And I don’t eat my feelings any more, so it hurts a little extra and it all is just that much more raw.

But then again, I am excited that I have at least another cycle to get that much stronger, weigh just that much less.  And I hope with all my heart that for as old as I will be with this final baby, perhaps the pregnancy won’t be quite as horrendous because I will be fitter.  I have to tell myself that, I ain’t getting younger.

Perhaps I can compensate for the dusty and decrepit state of my age as a mom, with some muscles and increased endurance?  But then I wish I was just pregnant.


6 responses to “Conflicted

  1. Bon, I feel your pain. My only thought is that you are doing the right thing by becoming as healthy as you can while you try to get pregnant. Hang in there!

  2. I’m in the exact same cycle of conflict as you. Trying, hoping but sometimes not knowing what for. I’m excited not to be pregnant yet, to have some more time to get fit…but I desperately want to be pregnant as well (I often use this as evidence of the fact that I’m completely mental). It’s hard to know what to pray for some days.

  3. That must be hard for you but I think you are doing all you can. You are open for the pregnancy and working hard (and inspiring others) while you wait. Good luck and I know everything will work out great.

  4. Oh honey! Been there, done that. Just keep doing what you’re doing and try not to cry too many tears. Unless you need too. Because sometimes that’s all you have. Anyways. We love you and are here for you, no matter what course you’re on! XOXOXOXO!!!

  5. Goal number one will actually help you with goal number two. A doctor told me that an overweight person produces more of the hormone estrogen (I believe it’s that hormone) which too much of will prevent pregnancy. Also, if you are regularly exercising before becoming pregnant, you can continue with that same level after you are pregnant (barring any history of problem pregnancies).

    About your age, I received a big surprise when I was 42 with a positive pregnancy test (I thought I was starting menopause!). Now I’m 45 and chasing around a 2-yr-old. Keep up the exercising!

  6. I love your posts. I know this comment isn’t witty or inspiring, but I love your posts. If you are half as strong and determined in real life as you are here, you will succeed, no doubt. As for the other, I will keep my fingers crossed tight for next month.

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