How to Talk to Your Chubby Friend – a guide for the thin

Posted by Sue

Eighty percent of Americans over the age of 25 are overweight. Obviously, relating well to your chubby friends and co-workers is going to become a very valuable social skill in the future… Because I’m nice like that, I’m gonna help you out with a few tips:

1) Do not share weight loss tips with your chubby friends. My gosh people.  We know how to lose weight.  If there is one thing chubby people know how to do its DIET.  Do you KNOW how many diets I’ve been on?  I’ve lost a TON of weight.  And then regained it.  And lost it and regained and lost and regained and lost and regained.  And lost it again.  I’m not lacking knowledge about weight loss methods, believe me.

2) Don’t tell me how to keep it off either.  I know all about that too.  I know WHAT I need to do, I just struggle with actually doing it.  I could probably write a BOOK about how to eat healthy, maintain a healthy weight, eat a balanced diet, etc.  I just don’t especially like living the behaviors that make all that happen. 

3) If your chubby friend says, “I am SO FAT,”  do not ever attempt to be honest, straightforward or tactfully helpful. Just say, “You look great.” Repeat after me. “You look great.”  That’s it.  That’s all you need to say.  Trust me.

4) Don’t complain about being fat in front of me if you are more than four sizes smaller than I am.  Just DON’T.  Because, what are you trying to say, that I’m Gargantutron or something?  I know, I know – if I were a good friend, I would listen and try be supportive and would not read anything into what you are saying.  And then right after that I would turn into a magical fairy and sprinkle my happy pink sparkle dust all over the universe.   

How ’bout you – you got any tips?

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12 responses to “How to Talk to Your Chubby Friend – a guide for the thin

  1. How bout, don’t tell me why my hair is just the perfectly wrong length. It doesn’t matter. My neck is pure chunkles. The chin, sometimes he’s there, sometimes not so much. But trust me, up down, short, long, sideways and crossways, there’s no denying the fluff. It’s there. Shut your mouth, and no you didn’t just say my hair was ugly!

  2. Ooh, and this one. “I’ll go running with you.”

    Stop. You’re just shaming me now. Do you honestly think I could RUN! for 5 miles with you! Maybe we could walk quickly. or maybe jog for a couple of houses. But probably only for like 2 miles, and the whole time you’re jabbering away, I’m just going to nod because yes, I’m totally winded, completely exhausted, my legs are tingling…

    what’s that? there’s not a car here to pick me up? I have to “run” all the way home now? great. you just officially made my “DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE” list.

  3. Ooh! My personal anti-favorite is this one: When a skinny beeyotch will talk about “a friend” and her weight loss successes — all without once ever referencing my own weight. It’s just “casual conversation.”

  4. I always try to think that they are genuinely trying to be helpful. Still, I rather want to growl at them.

    All the tips I could think of, you said, and said better. 🙂

  5. Never use the phrase “pretty face” and never ever, under any circumstances, offer me your old fat clothes! In one sentence you have pointed out that you have succeeded in your weight loss efforts, reminded me that I am still a failure as a dieter and announced that I am a terrible dresser in need of second hand cast offs. The only exception to this rule is if you are my sister, then you know I am pathetic and I know you know I am pathetic. But even sisters should never say “pretty face”, that could start a serious cat fight.

  6. If your fluffy coworkers bake you a birthday cake, don’t say, “Oh my god how many calories is in that?” Just say “thank you.” And eat a piece. It won’t land on your hips cuz you don’t have any, you sknybtch.

    Ok, I feel better now, thank you. 🙂

  7. The only tip I would have goes along with Moanna’s.
    Don’t complain about the calories in whatever it is. Because if you really tell me how many calories are in a carrot stick, I might slug you.

  8. I love this post. I love it. And also, don’t tell us how you lost weight (especially if you’re size 10 or under). Not only do we not want to know, but have been there, done that.

  9. All of the above. Amen.

  10. That was brilliant. As were all the comments that followed.

    I make my skinny gal pals show me their tummy’s. Most of ’em are mums so it’s pretty gross, and then I don’t hate them as much. =P

  11. OH MY GOSH! amy, I am laughing my rear off! (if only that would really happen.) In my own case, it depends on WHICH sister. bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

  12. You’re preaching to the choir here, Sue. How do we get this to the skinny people who need to read it? Any ideas, anyone?

    You guys are great (and you have such pretty faces!) – can’t wait to join you in January. Gotta get back to my cookies now.

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